Cyborg Cop (1993)

 

Cyborg Cop (1993)

 

Cyborg Cop is the harrowing tale of a DEA agent whose brother is killed while on a drug busting mission on a privately owned island. The island itself is owned by none other than John Rhys-Davies (or ‘Gimli from off the Lords of A Ring films.) who seems to be more excitable than is healthy at his age.

Anyway, Gimli isn’t just a drug baron, because below the surface of his ‘Pharmaceutical business’ he likes to turn people into half-machine Half-gentleman soldiers with no emotion and ruthless efficency in combat.

Perhaps the greatest example of this ‘ruthless efficency’ is when one of the cyborgs decides that the best way to assassinate a president is to dive through the windscreen of his car and choke him to death. Not shoot him or blow up the car, no that would be too easy. Choke him to death.

Our hero, The DEA Agent whose brother was killed, is none other than David Bradley, B-Action mainstay and martial arts expert extraordinaire. And he will use his fists to fight his way through the island, destroy the cyborgs and go to extraordinary lengths to never remove his leather jacket, regardless of the Tropical Weather and clear movement restriction whilst fighting. He is THAT hard.

As far as the film itself goes, its not actually all that bad, as long as you’ve got some wine to go with the epic amounts of cheese. Be prepared for lines that even an Asylum film would be embarrassed about and enough gay machismo to make Randy Savage blush. Throw in some decent fight scenes and John Rhys Davis’ overracted dictatorship and you’ve got a winning combo.

In fact, I would go as far as to say that the fight scenes were indeed the saving grace of this movie. David Bradley has enough oozing masculinity to walk into a bar, start a fight, kick everyones arse, go to another bar, do the same, and still get a shag, all while wearing a bumbag. That, my friends, is how you know you’re a badass. I bet he keeps his XXXL rubbers in that fanny pack.

I actually enjoyed Cyborg Cop and will soon be happily viewing its sequel. It is a film that despite it’s low budget, catches your attention and at the very least entertain you for it’s run-time. It encourages you to laugh along at it’s inprobable scene-setting and camp oddness, rather than laugh AT it for its shortcomings. Bradley and Rhys-Davies are the most animated characters, Bradley with his wise-guy charm and Rhys-Davies with his OTT evil-doings.

Keep an eye out near the end when a ‘good’ cyborg (whose identity takes hardly any guessing) fights a ‘bad’ cyborg, and one of them suplexes the other through a set of wooden stairs. I dare you not to shout ‘STAIRPLEX’! when it happens.

I dare you.

Checklist

– Stuntmen jumping off rooftops at any given opportunity.

– Swiss-Army fingers.

– Really, really big, bouncy shirt potatoes on display.

– A car chase with Dukes of Hazzard style music accompanying it.

– Two cops who have decided to refer to themselves as ‘The Double Trouble Psycho Cops’.

– A merciless Death Machine called ‘Quincy’

– A head punch from a cyborg, resulting in a big, cavernous face anus.

–  ‘Would anyone like a nice cup of tea?’

Total Score – 60/100